Hi I am desperate for a wise opinion. I have been with my wife who is also my first sex partner, best friend and lover for 16 years. She has been through a lot in her life, has even been raped three times. I love her very much. Last year my businesses started failing, my brother and I joined forces so to speak and he visited often, she did not like that he would not allow her input (which i always considered before, but because of desperation, I let it ride and did not rebuke him) She withdrew into herself and felt neglected. Around this same time last year I went to sleep with a prostitute, I was on Paxil and it was a crazy impluse thing. I did not tell her. I did not enjoy the experience. I knew she was not happy but could not deal with it as I was under pressure myself. She then told me she has fallen in love with her first boyfriend, this killed me inside. A while later she told me it was over as he removed her from Facebook. In the mean time I became attracted to someone I worked with and when I asked her if she felt the same way she said she will not break up a family and that was the end of it. I finally went bankrupt (and she did as we are married COP) last year Sept. Struggled to find work, no joy for a long time, was living in my one of my brothers houses for a while without paying rent and spending quite a lot of time with him. Finally i found a small job in March this year, making just make enough to get by. I thought things were good between me and her, we were talking a lot, we were happy, the sex is even great. Then 3 weeks ago (3 months into my new job) I found sms'es my wife had sent by total accident. I discovered she was "word playing" with sex to a few guys but she never acted on it she says, she says she did it to cover her feelings for this other guy (not me??). When I confronted her she spilled it all out and I told her about the prostitute and me almost falling for someone. She said she was in love with this guy that pilots a private yacht around the world and that he is only in SA for one week a year. She said she wants to see him for one week of every year when he is is SA and she wants to be with at this time. she wants to continue the online relationship. She says she loves me and a this man. She is willing to risk it all (we have three children) and is determined to go ahead with this. Now this other relationship started on Facebook (been going for a few months), she said he has called her three times. But at the moment it is "on a thread" in her words. She says she wants to live without regrets and does not want to be 80 years old and regretting she has not done this. She really like facbook and is on from when she awakes to when she sleeps. I do go out about 4 times a month to play poker with friends. She resents this and feels I should also take her out. I agreed with her and we went out last week, had a lovely evening. We are spending time every day when I come home from work talking for about 1 hour and into the night. I have been up and down with this emotionally - over the last 3 weeks, I get better during the week when I go to work, we sms each other love message and talk online when I am at work. Weekends always get really rough as I get angry/emotional and so does she when we start talking in depth. Today (holiday) I was with her online and she started talking with this guy, I asked her if I can read what she is saying and she did not answer me, i kept asking and she became furious, she even told me today that she is going to kill herself when she is alone!!!! Then about an hour later she calmed down and said she will not kill herself. Sex is also there and it is good. I keep asking her how I am supposed to handle this thing and she says that is for me to work out. I have been very supportive of her over all the years, she is on anti depressants. I love her very much and want to be with her. How can I come to terms with this? Can this really be true as I told her she cannot possibly love him and me. I am so confused. She even said we can go "swinging" as then I could experience sex with other partners and she would enjoy the attention. I said I would like to try this only if she wanted, she said she would enjoy all the attention. This did sound interesting to me. Can she really love me and another man online and one week a year. I don't know how? I said to her that I will be with her through this and that I am prepared to share her (even though its hurts inside) because I know that maybe I could get used to the idea over time or it will end with him and her. I realise that we have lost a lot, we were very well off and she says most times she feels no hope for the future. I am 40 and she is 42. Thank you for taking time to read this, your advise would be so helpfull Do I feel like this because I fear loosing her? How do I continue to be with her with this going on, because i do want to? She says she has already prepared her heart for me to leave her when I tell I I wont? Am I a desperate insane man? I am so worried about our 3 children (aged 14,12 and 9)
