Am I sane?

No, hon. You're not crazy.

You're just overwhelmed by your life's experiences and have no outlet for your emotions.

I think it would be a good idea for you to perhaps find a professional therapist to talk to, if you are willing to do so.

A good therapist can help you discover the underlying causes for your emotions and also help you learn how to deal with them - so that you will no longer feel the torment and anguish you seem to be feeling right now.

Please think about it, won't you?

No, you are not crazy. Just the fact that you realize your feelings, that is a great start. Because if you were just going about life ignorantly bliss, then these issues would not bother you. The only way you will get "better" is if you speak to someone who is non-biased. You better either start calling your state Medicaid department (so you can get some insurance to be able to see a therapist, counselor, phycologist, whatever ...I am sure you may be able to qualify), or speak to someone in  a church. You have been through so much, there is no way you can "heal" on your on. You seem as intelligent as you claim you are, so use your intelligence and get moving! Good luck!

I understand what it is like to have an abusive father, I believe that is where both your issues and your brother's issues are stemming from. It generates a lot of anger and self hatred when your own parent makes you feel unworthy of love and affection, even if you still have one great parent. I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose the one good parent on top of that! The advice given here is good advice, you need an impartial person to talk to and help you put your feelings in perspective. It also sounds like you may be suffering from either depression or post traumatic stress disorder, which a therapist can help you figure out. If you are in college, many colleges have psychiatric services free on campus for their students I would look into this and if your school doesnt offer it contact the United way or department of jobs and family services for info on free or low cost therapy/medications.

That's great Ash, that is really good, positivity will take you a long, long way! I am happy for you that you are not on the other end of the spectrum, but remember, if you had a broken arm, you'd put a cast on it, right? Don't forget to talk with someone, you (and your brother) both deserve it!