The one-minute danger of smoking and chewing tobacco!

I have to say that chewing tobacco is instantly and physically dangerous!  It can result in assorted bruises and baseball-bat injuries!

Do you doubt the mechanism?  Then talk to LaVonne Littlejohn -- an old fiend (no misprint, she and John really are my best FIENDS).  He told me that chewing was DANGEROUS!

John was working and sipping soda, while he spit his chaw of Red Man in a soda can.  He put his spit can down next to LaVonne's can of soda, then she went to the bathroom.  When she came back, she got that can of spit by mistake.

When the green wore off, she told John that he had best make tracks for Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, because if he stopped any sooner, she was going to bean him repeatedly over his balding noggin with my old Louisville Slugger I used to check tires.

John really did leave for the night because LaVonne was so mad at him for that can of spit!

So, when I tell you that chewing tobacco is just plain dangerous, I meant it!

Chin chin!

Smoke, smoke, smoke (that cigarette) By Commander Cody and his Lost Planet Airmen.  (C) 1956, 1976 Comnmander Cody (Elvis Presley Music).

I'm a guy with a heart of gold
And the ways of a gentleman I've been told.
The sort of guy who'd never hurt a flea.

But if me and certain character met,
the guy who invented the cigarette,
I'd murder that son-of-a-gun
in the first degree!

It ain't because I don't smoke myself,
and I don't know that they hinder your health.
I been smokin' all my life and I ain't dead yet.

But nicotine slaves are all the same,
at a pettin' party or a poker game.
The whole world's gotta stop for that cigarette.

Refrain (but try not to worry about it).

Smoke, smoke, smoke that cigarette!
Puff, puff, puff until you smoke yourself to death!
Then tell Saint Peter at the Golden Gate
That you hate to make him wait,
but you just gotta have another cigarette . . ....

Well, I suppose I should go on and finish the song, but by now, enough smokers are going to lynch me as it is.

Fairy tales all start with, "Once upon a time," and war stories always begin with, "There I was . . .."

Once upon a time, I was hunting with some friends and this idiot had to have been in the weeds about fifty feet away.  If WE could smell the tobacco, Bambi could smell it a lot further.  Maybe that was why we hadn't seen anything all day.

So, this little lady comes out of a clunky little hide across the ridge, lights up a foul smelling butt, and the last deer of the season crept away to the trail and hit high gear.

So, I kept wondering quietly to myself, about what I wanted to do with the smoker in the weeds.  I knew what I wanted to do with his carton of cigarettes, but we'd have to haul him into the emergency room, and call ahead to the on-duty proctologist, who would then have to ask him how we got that carton of cigarettes in there . . ..

Dawg, that's the smartest thing you can do.  At the end of six months , not smoking a pack a day, you can buy a new S&S 102" engine with Sifton Cam and lots of eye-catching chrome.  At the end of a year, smoking a pack of cigarettes a day will cost you the downpayment for a new 1200 XLCH.  In two years, saving your tobacco money will buy you AND your lady a tasty ride. 

Now, if you already have good scooters, that tobacco money can turn into a fortune by investing it steadily into A or A-B rated bonds, with say, a 12.5% coupon rate.  At $5.00/pack, at the end of a year, you'd have enough to buy a Dow Chemical bond (coupon rates are about 18.4% if convertible).  That says nothing of bond-based mutuals, that are easy to get into and out of when the need arises.  Great way to put the kids through college . . ..