I have known that I was gay since I was about 11 or 12. I used to be quite religious (very much influenced by my grandmother's strong convictions). This caused me to hide my feelings and to resign to the fact that i will remain alone for the rest of my life, since I could not go against my religious convictions. It was still hypocritical, since I still fantasized and went all the way in terms of indulging in my fantasies in private, but I didn't ever have any sexual encounters with another guy. I felt OK most of the time about all of it, since I had God to turn to. I fell in love (always (except once) with guys who were straight), but kept the agony and pain to myself completely.
In highschool I had a best friend who came out to me, and that gave me some outlet. I was able to discuss things with him. He was more brave than me, so he managed to go out and explore, and eventually, during university, to come out to his parents and to be gay and happy for a short while. Then his parents got divorced. He also went to visit a mutual friend of ours in another town and she convinced him to be part of a religious gathering. He got 'saved' and now is married and apparently 'healed' from his homosexuality (or at least on the path of 'healing').
I was always skeptical about that. I kept exploring my religious convictions . . . and, after all my many bits of research and reasoning, arrived at exactly the opposite side of the fence: I think I have become an atheist. I hold that there is overwhelming evidence that I higher being does not exist. The only thing that will be able to convince me of that now is even just one verifiably supernatural experience . . . which I am yet to experience, and which I think is probably never going to happen.
This would have been wonderful, except that I am now 27 and already miserable for having wasted all those years of my life. I am still in the closet. I do not have any friends to whom I can talk openly about my deepest feelings. I still live with my parents (I'm an only child and probably still as attached to my parents as they are to me).
In addition, I am unhappy with my body and resent the fact that I never did anything to improve it. I am trying, but it seems to be too little too late. I feel old before my time. I am
Job-wise, I am on a project that will be my job for the next year that takes up most of my time and leaves little for self-improvement.
And I am, once again, in love with a straight guy who does not know it, but with whom I have become friends at work. He has the most wonderful personality, a great body, and is actually very much the type of person I would like to be myself, or would like to have as a lover. I can't tell him about my feelings, but I keep doing things that would probably make him feel uncomfortable . . . which I would ordinarily not do, because I would be to shy. I would notice that he shaved the hair on his arms and comment on it (making him feel self-conscious), and tell him that I like the look . . . I would tell him that I like his style . . . nothing that's overtly gay, but I suspect he might feel awkward for a while afterwards . . . looks like that, anyway, but he does recover from it after a while.
I do not want to tell my parents or any of my friends about my sexuality. My parents will probably accept it eventually, but I cannot put them through it at this stage, since they are also going through large changes. It would put additional stress on them and might ruin their chances of making a success of what they are attempting now.
My grandparents, on the other hand, would be devastated. I am sad to say that I actually have started resenting my grandmother's influence over me, since her religious convictions caused me to hold the same views; and now still I regard their feelings to highly to tell them the truth.
My friends will probably accept me sooner or later, but i do not have the courage to tell them. I would much rather make new friends with people who know that I am gay from the beginning . . . which has never happened since university.
I think my main issue at this present moment is dealing with being in love again with someone whom I know does not feel the same. And even in times when I wasn't in love, just the immense feelings of missing out on something (having missed out on my potentially wild and exciting youth at university), not having any spiritual beliefs any longer to make me feel 'safe' or as if something out there is looking out for me . . . just an immense feeling of loneliness and of being powerless and heading nowhere. I know life does not have a purpose (it's like asking what the purpose of Mount Everest is . . . the question is invalid and has no meaning) and that one has to create the purpose for oneself. But I cannot get rid of my feelings of loneliness and powerlessness.
I also feel quite stupid and silly . . . even conceited . . . to feel the way I do, since there are people with much greater problems than mine. But it's a mosquito in a room . . . a pebble in a shoe . . . it still has a huge effect on my life. So that's why I probably need a soundboard . . . and if I can get advice on things to do, or whathever else, that's probably a bonus.
I would like to hear other people's thoughts on my situation, since I am in it and probably cannot look at it objectively. I would also like any advice of anything that could help me get out of despair.
Sorry for the long post . . .
