I’ve listed some common factors that prevent orgasm. Then I’ll
discuss some strategies for overcoming them.
1) You don’t feel 100% comfortable with doing what works for you.
I’ve
totally been there! Especially when you first start dating someone, you don’t
want to make him or her your “guinea pig” for testing out methods and
positions. And you definitely don’t want to scare your partner away,
especially if you like the way things are going.
If this is the issue, you should focus on “private practice” for the time being.
Masturbate often and figure out what you like, so that when the time comes,
you’ll know exactly what pleases you. Don’t put extra pressure on yourself by
trying to perform before you’re ready – when the right time comes, you’ll
know.
2) You don’t know how to have an orgasm.
This is a problem that you’ll
need to resolve privately before you attempt to have an orgasm during sex. It
is VERY difficult to have an orgasm through intercourse alone for the first
time, so if you haven’t had one yet, again I urge you to work on your “private
practice.” And don’t hold back in regards to what turns you on. Erotic
stories, naked photos, pornographic videos, cybersex, and even romance
novels are not out of the question.
It can help to learn about your anatomy before you begin. Research the
clitoris, which is directly above your urethra and covered by the little flap of
skin that sticks out. (The G-spot is another way to achieve orgasm, but it is a
bit more complicated and elusive.) Use either a vibrator or your finger to
stroke it along the sides and bottom. Make sure you have some lubrication as
well.
3) You can’t get in the mood during sex.
Let’s face it; we love our
spouses/fiances/partners/hookup partners, but they don’t necessarily have
dream bodies. They have love handles, out of control pubic hair, or weird
moves in bed, but of course that doesn’t matter, because they’re such
amazing people.
However, the fact remains that it can be hard to maintain the sexual
attraction for them that we felt at the beginning of the relationship. And if
our sex drive isn’t as strong as theirs, we often end up in bed with them out
of a sense of…obligation. This is clearly not a good precursor to sex!
To get your mojo back, you need to realize that YOU are in control of your
psychological state in bed. You can choose to be turned on or not. And once
you decide to get in the mood, you can fantasize about anything you want to
get off. Construction workers, bondage, women, you name it!
4) None of the recommended positions and techniques work for you.
No
two women are the same, and so the same advice will not work for all of
them. It’s all about gaining as much information as you can and then
experimenting to see what works for you.
Don’t be afraid to think outside of the box when it comes to methods and
positions. Try standing and having your partner enter you from behind. Bend
over and then pleasure yourself with a finger or vibrator – or let your partner
do it, if you’re confident in his or her abilities. Get on top so that you can
control the movements and penetration levels.
Many women have reservations about experimenting because they’re afraid
their partners will get bored or irritated. I’ll tell you right now that this will
NEVER happen. As long as you’re naked and having sex with a man, he will
always be happy. He’s going to orgasm no matter what you do – many men
even prefer for sex to last a bit longer than usual. And if you’re having sex
with a woman, she will surely commiserate with your issues.
5) You can't figure out which techniques work in
real life.
real life.
real life.
The great
majority of my sexual knowledge came from discussions with close female
friends, relatives, and even therapists. You’d be surprised to find out that
many women have the same problem as you – and the one’s who don’t are
more than willing to give you tips.
Of course, sometimes an inability to orgasm stems from deep-seated
psychological factors, including lack of self-esteem, prior or current abuse,
and depression or anxiety. If you’re feeling a bit “off” in other areas of your
life as well, seeing a therapist or counselor can bring those issues to light.
