I like to over dose on mercyndol or other panadoles for no reason other then the excitement of.. im not quite sure but I like to overdose. I go through stages where I eat crap all and when I do eat I vomit it back up, lasts for a few weeks. P.S I have been messed up before the bulimic episodes ever occurred so don?t try blame that. I think I might be schitzotypal. I get so frustrated and angry sometimes wishing I could have some Jim beam and coke, I hardly ever drink socially I much prefer to drink alone, I like to suffer and dwell in my problems going into a depressed ?feel sorry, delve deeply into myself and what might be wrong with me? stupor, I feel like im different and think im not like normal people I can?t do anything I wouldn?t do in public when im alone, I feel like im being watched all the time, not by ghosts but by people I admire, like John Lennon, I had to take down all the posters and pictures in my room because I talked to them, I cant explain it but I know they aren?t really seeing me or hearing me but yet I strongly believe- nein I know they can, they can! Now there all off my wall, I left the posters where they aren?t looking at me up but now I fell they are listening to me, and I still talk to them, I don?t expect a reply, I know they wont, but I like to talk about myself and my day to them, I also make comments about things on TV radio.. Etc out loud knowing they are listening. Sometimes when im out in public I look at someone and talk to them in my mind cause im half certain they can hear me and they are like me ?magic? im like ?I know you can hear me..? etc, sometimes I fear people are listening to my thoughts, and when I feel like they are I cant stop shouting disgusting things I cant control my thoughts, all my deep dark secrets are being shown I picture them vividly and I cringe knowing someone out there is seeing all of it and is disgusted I think of the craziest stuff. That is too out there to even explain, none of it is violent or anything, just very trippy, like im on lsd. I don?t see anything I imagine it up or go off into my own world content for hours. Sometimes I cry for barely any reason, I take criticism very very personally and often cry, I hate to show things get to me so I always hide away and cry. I love my cat too much he means the world to me, I fear for my mental health when he dies, I know I wont ever get over his death, I don?t take things normally like most people, like for example. People say time heals everything, I dated a guy I liked a year ago for only 3 months, I dumped him and I still think about him all the time. That?s not normal, my reactions to things are not normal, there fore I know I will be F***ed when my cat dies. My past is very messed up, I have such a disgusting secret I will never reveal, I would rather die, it haunts me. i sometimes, its rare but it happens, I fear for my sanity, I feel like im going to lose someone or something very close to me and I start to feel really scared. It?s not as full on as an anxiety attack but I go a bit loopy. None of this is for attention, I enjoy being crazy sometimes. I am very good at hiding all of this no one knows about my problems, and they never will, I feel sick when my parents worry about me, it makes me feel sick, saying I love you and hugging- showing affection makes me feel sick too. Even to family. My families good to me btw, we are all quite close ? I have little things I have to do too like some type of mild ocd. If my TV clicks I fear the ring girl will come out of it, so I have to look at it, no matter how comfy I am and wait till a person walks past or something on screen, I have to otherwise I fear I will regret not doing so. I have to lock my toilet door before I close it, if I don?t people can see me going toilet , by locking my door then closing im blocking their view magically from seeing me. There?s a few more but there the major ones. Help. Oh btw I have a secret email address cause im too paranoid someone will see this and figure out who it is. do i need to get professional help?
