I am trying to diagnose myself. Many may or may not agree with this, but it is a goal I've become fixated upon and I hope that by posting this someone may be able to help me. I'm seventeen now and have had series of depressive episodes in the past as well as a mild case of anorexia, which I finally shook off after about two years of battling the problem.. the earliest concrete depressive episode I had occurred in eighth grade. I became isolated, antisocial, and spent most of my time sleeping. I quit swimming, which was a curious situation since the previous year I had been in a relay at States that had placed in the top 5 and the sport had been a part of my life since the age of seven. I claimed to have chronic migraines, saw a neurologist twice for this diagnosis, and spent two nights in the ER with claims that my headache was "too much to bear." I missed a lot of school and cried almost every night. There were one or two instances where I even had thoughts of cutting myself, one of which elated to the point where I was hysteric on my bedroom floor with scissors in hand .. By the end of the year, I was out of this phase and moving on in my life, ready for high school. However, it was also at this time that I began to have problems with eating. It started with wanting to lose a pound or two and, by the end of ninth grade, ended in an already very slender girl dropping over 20 lbs. (I believe I dropped from 118 or so pounds to 93 or below). I was far happier throughout ninth grade and got back in touch with my friends and rejoined the swim team. Over the summer leading into 10th grade I started to eat again and have not had problems since. When 10th grade started, I was more or less pretty stable. I had a new job working at a local Ice Cream store and was becoming more and more social. School became slightly more difficult, however, and I found that I was sleeping less and less. By the middle of the year my mother jokingly called me "an insomniac," but I seriously agreed. I still had problems with sleeping by the end of the year but was the happiest I'd been since junior high on.. I had finally gotten my license and spent a lot of times with friends. Over the summer, I spent three weeks in Germany on an exchange program. Just before leaving (about one month after school finished) I had gradually begun to decrease the amount that I socialized. I hardly missed my friends or family during the month I was gone, if at all. Between coming home and the start of my junior year in high school, I felt like a different person. Once 11th grade year (this year current) started, I found myself "back in the social swing of things," but hardly as happy as I'd been before. I laughed and joked and talked to my friends and classmates, but felt insincere about it. I felt like two different people: One that only I knew, and one that anyone else knew. In September, I cut myself for the first time after a hysteric breakdown that included wandering into my woods past sunset, crying, and talking to myself hysterically. The cuts started small, but worsened as I began to cut myself more and more periodically. I temporarily kicked the habit when swim season started in mid-November, fearful of someone discovering my secret. Throughout the season I went through phases of interest in my teammates and isolation. Some days I was anxious to be involved with the new members and my few close friends on the team, others I wanted nothing more than to sit in a corner by myself. I began loosing more and more sleep and my grades in school started slipping. I am in the Gifted program, enrolled in numerous AP courses and typically straight A's, plus a few B's. Currently I have A's in no classes, B's in the few courses I like best, C's in the majority, and am failing my Honors Physics class (about 2% below the passing mark.) As soon as swimming ended, I cut myself constantly (though I had cut myself once in December and again two weeks prior to the season's end). I have tried to OD on painkillers, but got cold feet both times. I started chain-smoking, but seeing as I am only 17 this is a habit I practice only once every week or two. Lately though I feel less depressed and am gradually regaining interest in people and friends. I have recurring dreams about blood, dying, and hideous creatures and dismembered bodies. When I am alone or if it is late at night, I sometimes feel or imagine these creatures and dismembered bodies are lurking down hallways or in corners. TWice within the last week I have come home from work (now the local movie theatre) and locked my bedroom door, awake and petrified at the thought of such creatuures pacing and waiting for me in the hallway outside. I have little to no interest in my friends and feel numb and apathetic. I have not cried in over three months, save one or two isolated incidents. I believe I could have Major Depression but lately wonder if perhaps this isn't a case of Bipolar Disorder (perhaps Bipolar II?) I have read into both and seem to meet criteria for either. I would like to put a word to what my problem is, so if anyone could give some input it would be immensely appreciated. (AND to Note: I have been seeing a therapist weekly for the past month. I do not take medications.)
