I've been dating the love of my life for almost three years now. He's everything I could ever ask for in a man. We cherish the same things in life, have the same values, and want the same things for our future family. It has never been a question that we were going to get married, and we are deeply and madly in love with each other. Punch line is -- I'm not sexually attracted to him. I'm more emotionally connected to him than I've ever been to anyone in my life, family included, and I do enjoy G-rated acts with him, but I have to force myself to do anything beyond that. I usually fake headaches to get out of doing anything, or say I'm tired, or any number of excuses you could come up with.
Then, the relationship was forced to turn long-distance, as my college was out of state. We decided that dealing with a long distance relationship was better than the alternative, so we have been coping with a long distance relationship for the past year or so now. It's awful. We only see each other 3 or 4 times a year, but we still talk every single day, and have meaningful conversations every single evening. However, every time he comes to visit me, or I to him, he's always desperate for the closeness of sexuality (which I could never in a million years blame him for), and I have to grit my teeth and put up with it. I feel like an awful person for feeling this way. Dating him, I've always just felt like I was sexually dead inside, and that something was wrong with me.
About 7 months into our long distance relationship, I met another man. I, very regrettably now, cheated on my boyfriend with him in a two month affair. We never did "the deed," but everything else was in the equation. I felt a type of lust-love for this man, and I learned very quickly that I was not sexually dead inside as I had previously thought I was. It was as though I was truly alive in that way for the first time in my life, and it was absolutely overwhelming. I had not known that I was healthy in that way, or that I even had feelings of that nature inside of me. I frequently caught myself daydreaming of the two of us together, and that was something I had never done with my boyfriend.
Since the affair ended, I have tried very hard to get my sexual relationship with my boyfriend (who will never know about the affair) back on track. I have worked on it and worked on it, but I'm still simply not physically attracted to him. I've tried daydreaming, putting us in the most compromising positions -- and nothing. Substitute that man in for someone else? Fantasy in my head suddenly becomes much better. I don't know what to do. I love him. I know this must sound insane given everything I've just admitted, but I love him truly and madly. He's perfect in every single way. He's the best kisser I've ever known, and I think he's extremely good looking and handsome. But as soon as the clothes come off and I'm expected to act sexually, I shut down with him. I don't know why, but I can't go on like this. I need advice as to how to fix this aspect of my personality. Breaking up with him over this is not an option, as he IS the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.
I was the first woman he had ever been with, and he's extremely inexperienced. In the beginning, I thought it was cute, and I assumed it would get better -- as it did with the kissing. (No more painful teeth collisions!) But it has not gotten any better. I've worked with him on it, but there's something extremely unappealing about having to talk someone through every step of something every single time you're together. We've had three years of practice, and there's been little to no improvement. It's gotten so bad that I almost wish he would cheat on me with another woman (since I'm not in the proximity) to get some experience aside from me. That's not a healthy thought to have, and I know it's not. But it's the desperation talking. Everything about him is utterly perfect except for the sexuality aspect of our relationship, and that's A BIG aspect of any relationship. It's where couples go for support, for comfort, to make babies...everything. And if that's missing, how are we supposed to last?
Help!
