Sammie,
I am sorry you are still having difficulties. But you must realize that a lot of the problems you are having are of your own making.
I agree that doesn't make it any easier to handle, but it certainly makes it harder for people to sympathize with you, wouldn't you say?
Sammie, I would like you to ask yourself this question. "What's the worst that can happen?"
In reading your many questions, I think you know what that is. The worst that can happen is that you will die.
But Sammie, think about this: Will you die one day either with or without the colonoscopy? (Yes.) Will you die one day whether or not you stop drinking? (Yes.)
Okay, so what you need to do is to decide whether you want to live as long as possible or if you don't really care to bother.
Sammie, nothing you have to do is easy. We both know you should stop drinking. But if you're not ready to quit then there's not a damn thing that will work, and we both know that, too. And we both know you should have the colonoscopy. But again, if you aren't ready to face the possible answers you'll receive, then nobody can make you do that, either.
What it all boils down to, Sammie, is that YOU are in charge of your actions and your decisions. Making excuses for why you can't do it IS a decision, Sammie.
But that's okay. If that's what you need to do right now, then that is where you need to be. And when you are tired of being there, then you will pick yourself up off the floor, give yourself a much needed smack, grit your teeth against your fears and start moving forward.
YOU are the one who can decide when to stop wallowing, Sammie. Everyone else can talk to you until they're blue in the face - but none of it will mean a damn thing until YOU are ready to do something about it.
When you are ready, you will ask for help to stop drinking. When you are ready, you will make the appointment for the colonoscopy. When you are ready to acknowledge your fears, yet move forward anyway; that's what will happen.
Sammie, I want you to know that it's okay to love yourself - just the way you are today, at this very minute.
I want you to look in the mirror and say, "You know what, Sammie? You drink too much and you are afraid of something that may not even happen. You are so paralyzed with fear that you are allowing your fear to turn you into a near vegetable. But that's okay. You can drink if you need to, but you don't have to if you don't want to. And you can be afraid if you need to, but you don't have to be afraid, either. Sammie, right now you are where you need to be and I love you. And when you are ready to move on I will love you then, too - just the way you are."
I want you to do that every day. Do it every time you realize you are afraid. Do it every time you want another drink. Do it every time you realize you are obsessing over the same fears and worries. Do it over and over and over until you begin to believe it - and then perhaps you'll be able to move forward, Sammie.
One tiny little step at a time.
