So Worried Daughter is not Thinking Straight

I can really feel your pain, anguish and frustration. It is true that you see things differently from your daughter but you also have to remember she is now an adult. As a lawyer she is probably involved in making major decisions and the fact that she is successful shows that those decisions are good. On a personal level her thinking, and I do agree with you, is a bit skewed but there is very little that you can do except to let her go through with her scheme and possibly suffer the consequences. The fact that he is not her intellectual match does not always mean failure. We know of such marriages that are very happy. It would be good if they dated for a long time and perhaps during that time she will get to know him better. You must come to terms with the fact that after a certain age we parents have less and less of an influence over our children.

Hi,

     I understand fully your concern about your daughter.  Intelligent people don't always make good decisions because they let the heart rule over the head.  That's why there are lots of divorces and broken marriages.  She is an adult and I do think that you can not sway her otherwise.  After talking to her about your concerns, if she pursues what she plans to do , then you really have to just watch her, although you already know what might happen and then just be supportive of her later if she asks you for help.  You just have to let go as a parent.

     Hopefully all will turn out OK at the end, only God knows.  I hope you won't worry too much.  She will be able to take care of herself.

Take care.

I think your daughter needs counseling. Anyone who is willing to settle for anything but what she deserves and is deluding herself into having a "short" marriage is clearly depressed. She's obviously not going to the right places to meet a guy who can intellectually stimulate her. Tell her to read Coffee House Possibilities or to start dating online. There are endless possibilities out there for her; she just has to be willing to do the work to find one.

I know how you must be feeling,I'm a mother also,the only thing I can tell you is that just let it run its' own course.If it's meant to happen then it will,or maybe not.Because if you get involved your going to regret it,I know she is your sweet daughter,but sometimes we both have to let our daughter grow up some time,I'm a mother of a 19 year old senor getting ready to graduate,she going to be a nurse.and start to be are her own,and boy oh boy I'm having a cow,please let me know how you and your daughter make out.I could use the support also,here is my e-mail angelladydecember@yahoo.com and let me know how it is between you and your daughter.

If I didn't know better I would swear my mother wrote this letter.  Although I cannot speak for your daughter, I have been in a, well I am currently in a, situation similar to hers.  I have also been described as intelligent and kind hearted, and with that personality type we find it difficult to live our lives without someone to take care of.  For me, this meant starting a relationship with a disabled man which eventually led to the birth of twins.  My life now is very difficult.  Although my mother did express her concerns about the life I was choosing to create for myself I had to find my own path - but I never resented her for trying.  Now that I fully understand what my mother was trying to tell me - I have nothing but the utmost respect for her and would probably wonder why she didn't say anything then had she not.  I don't necessarily believe she needs counseling, but maybe someone to talk to who allowed the desire to have children and be in a relationship adversly affect the future might help open her mind to the possiblity of waiting a little longer before taking such a drastic step.  Here to help if you need it...

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The only thing you can do is tell her your honest opinion and give her the best advice. Whether or not she listens is up to her. She's an adult and makes her own decisions.We all hate to see the people we love make bad choices, but most people learn from their mistakes. I f she is making a mistake, eventually she will see it for herself. I have also said some pretty horrible things to men in the past and they don't seem to hold a grudge like a woman would. So, he has put the things she said behind them and wants to be with her, that's all. I don't think he would have an alterior motive or anything. Just be there to support your daughter,listen to her and give her advice.

Wow....Please don't take this wrong, but your daughter is acting very immature and selfish. How does she figure she can just come and go in this guy's life and take only what she wants from it, leaving the rest for him to sort out and feel used?  (That's what she is doing by wanting kids from him but nothing else).  I'll tell you what my parents would do. They would have a talk with me about the moral aspect of this. Yes, I am 45 but they would still give me their opinion. I would do the same for my kids. This doesn't mean they would force me to do or not do anything, but they want me to know where they stand on such an issue, and they would want me to know it would be a disappointment to them, (as it should be). Now, my inlaws would say nothing. They say nothing about everything. To me, this give the idea that they don't care one way or another. They may think it's their way of not meddling, but I think it's their way of not caring. See how both sides can go? I can tell by your comments that you didn't raise your daughter to act this way. She may not even realize that she is wanting to use a guy that she doesn't love. Yes, she is desperate and not thinking straight. I would consider letting her read your question so she can see why you are worried. I'm hoping she is mature enough to allow you to give her some advice.  I can't understand either why this guy is desperate too. He may think she has changed her mind about him and is wishful thinking. I can tell you that if ANY person said these things to me, it would be pretty hard to take them back and forget about it.  Yes, she is an adult, but you are still her Mother and care about her!

You should support your daughter whatever her decisions making. Mother is always there for their daughter. Take her to movie or walk and then start to tell her how you feel about it. You can only express your feelings, never judge her. Then site some examples that relates to her situation, may be a story of famous lawyers who failed their love life but successful on their career and ask her opinion after you relate the story.