CKacera

Mom Constatly Butting-In

My mom often feels the need to butt in and meddle in our relatives, friends and sometimes even strangers' affairs. It's everything from pointing out that her niece paid too much for food, or overhearing the couple in line behind her talking about food and her feeling the need to offer up recipes or tips on cooking the foods that she overheard, to trying to set up my friend with her coworkers' son.

The truth is that I believe it's coming from a deep desire to help people, to direct them to something better--but sometimes it's just so annoying and irritating when we're together and she just yearns to meddle in someone's business. I tell her to mind her own business, but my mom just wants to help every single person--whether they want her help or not.

Given my mom's history (included below), I partially understand her need to overcompensate in extending her love and care, as she may not had that herself growing up, but my question is how do I help my mom understand that she needs to mind her own business? Nobody likes someone who butts in and points out their mistakes, or even just butts in. It hurts me seeing other people resent my mom for not minding her own business when her efforts in reaching out that actually end up back-firing.

[For my mom's brief history: she's in her late 50's, the 3rd child in order of 4 children (although the 1st child died at 19, so most of her life she was the middle child of 3 children). My grandfather died when she was 15, and my grandma was rather cold and not motherly in raising her kids. My mom's marriage was never happy--my parents divorced after 8 years of unhappy marriage. My father was an alcoholic who abused my mom. My mom dated briefly, but not for at least the past 10 years. My grandmother passed away last year, and my mom lives alone with her pets.]

Thanks so much in advance for your help and insight.

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psychology

Posted 2009-09-04T04:41:03Z
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Posted Answers

annette

1166 answers

311 helpful answers

Yesterday's gone and Today is going fast, Tomorrow is all we have, Until it to has passed

Well I would say that your mother has a desperate need to be noticed and validated as a human being. She obviously feels she has wisdom and knowledge to share with others, and rather then wait to be asked for her opinion, she proceeds to extend it freely to whomever she feels is in need of good advice. Unfortunately some people do not see this as a gesture of help, but rather an intrusion into their privacy.

The fact that your mother lives alone with her pets, leaves me to believe that when she is in the company of humans she wants to engage in conversation with other members of her species.

Try talking to your mother diplomatically and explain to her that many people take offense at others offering their advice with out being asked for it. She may not realize that she is offending so many people. And too in this day and age people are not likely to take advice from a stranger. Most people I've found are very uptight and not open to another's suggestions. Ask her to try and be a little more discerning when giving out advice, unless she has been asked to give an opinion. Just tell her it's nothing personal, people are just very private these days and don't appreciate someone else horning in on their conversations or someone else commenting about things they were not asked to comment on. Try and convey to her that it does hurt YOU when you see people give her the cold shoulder when she is only trying to be helpful, but they obviously don't want help or they would have asked for it. Sometimes MUM is the word, when you haven't been asked to join in the conversation or contribute an answer.

All you can do is sit her down and tell her like it is. It's your turn to give advice you were not asked for. See if she gets the hint. Ask her how she likes someone else telling her what she should or should not do? And then ask her how she likes it? Maybe it will wake her up, maybe it won't, but it is certainly worth a try.

Posted 2009-09-04T09:59:53Z

In reply to CKacera's question