Hi, Im a 24 yo guy soon turning 25 from Morocco. I have grown up since my childhood sensing and feeling the lack of love from my mother. She says she loves me but I dont feel it at all. I've studied at american system schools, graduated from high school and decided to pursue my studies in the USA. I did go ahead and go to the USA for studies while my parents payed for me one year of studies costing them 30000 usd. and giving me 100 usd as pocket money for the whole year to start of. this was due to their financial deficulties they were experiencing. I arrived to the US started studying, and got myself a part time job on campus to help my self since I was not allowed to work off campus cause I wasnt a resident. Winning 6usd an hour 20hrs per week. At the end of the 1st school year I headed back home only to find that my parents financial situation got worse and my father got sick with parkinson. I then decided to stay home and keep my dads business going. I worked for two years until there was no home in keeping the family business going, cause of the massive medical bills from my dads sickness. I then just gave up cause finance to keep the business going was impossible. My mother after seeing all this happening started to say weird stuff which are hard for me to accept, and especially with her way of saying them. My parents among each other started to fight and stuff like that, and putting me inside these problems. Im a person who like to stay isolated away from everyone. I would prefer going to my room, staying all day in there surfing the net or anything, just to prevent problems. One day my mother comes up to my room, entered and asked me this real strange question. "What do you want from us?" to my surprise i said what do you mean by this? she said yes tell me what do you want from us?, I said "nothing", i want nothing. She said No! you want something and I want you to say it now! To my surprise I was blocked and couldnt say anything cause the question was really weard and strange. then she started shouting out. Do you want to kill us? I said No, why would I want that? She said out loud YES! you want to kill us, and started beating me up, and saying I will kill yu before you kill us. You are the cause of your dads sickness, you are the cause of our financial situation. while respecting her as a mother, I didnt do anything and waited until she was done then I just left the house for one month, I went to this town far away from my city and stayed their for 1 months staying with a friend who hosted me, but I didnt tell him what happened at all. After one month I recieve a phone call from my mother telling me, It seems your enjoying your home away holidays. I said no, not at all. Then she told me to come back. I went back, while she acted normal and all, and I never asked about why did she do the last time nor anything and I didnt expect any apologies. After the come back had a little idea of working as a freelance graphic designer and webmaster, which was great since I was making between 500 - 700 usd and was able to pay for my dads medicine from time to time, pay for the house food and pay off the bills (Electricity, Water, Internet & Phone) + car gas. While not paying attention to myself. Havnt bought a thing for myself since 2006, no t-shirt, no pants, no shoes. Still using the same cloth since 2006. After a couple of months after the incident, I got to know this girl from my hometown through facebook and she was pursuing her studies in spain. She came back to Morocco, we met, and without noticing it, I was in a relationship with her, and truely I really love her and feel happy when Im with her, forgetting my sorrows. She is now in spain and will be done in less then a month and will be back to Morocco for good.
In the past 4 months business is becoming a bit hard since companies are taking over the market with competitive prices and the economic crises that is a world wide issue. So its hard for me even to make 200 usd a month and this past month I was able to get only 50 usd which was sufficiant for nothing at all. I am only able to get some basic food like milk and bread and eggs in order for my parents and sister to eat, while I on my side If I have breakfast, I wont have lunch nor dinner until the next day then I get something small just to lose hungerand this made me become really gaunt. I cant face my girlfriend when she comes back from spain with how I look now. During this month my mother stayed urging me to go out and find a job. I know I dont have a university diploma, and here in Morocco in order to find a job that will make you survive, you need to have at least a bachelors degree. Well I followed her words and went out for 5 days searching for this miracle job , only to find nothing at all.I came back home. In the past days my mother again is starting to say some weird stuff like someone wanting to kill her etc. and locking the doors of the kitchen etc. and today we got into a fight that really made me hate life and think of ending it. She said that I only care about myself, I dont care about no one and that Im working for myself. How can I be working for myself while every penny I get I spend it on the food, medicine bills etc. Me too I need to create a family, get married and have children like every other human being. With what 0 penny on my pocket cause Im preferring to spend the money on my parents so they dont starv to death like they fed me when I was little. She doesnt see this. She doesnt see that I dont eat cause I want them to have plenty and not feel hunger. She doesnt feel how happy i become when I get a client to do him something. She doesnt see what I do right after I recieve the payment from the client. Destination number 1 is always the drug store and the supermarket. I dont go out like all my friends or any other young people do. I prefer staying home and keeping that money that i might spend while going out on something that is more important at this moment, FOOD. Now again she is saying Im the cause of everything. I get mad and I dont respond to her, I keep everything inside and just go to my room and cry for the life Im at right now. I want to be happy like everyone is, enjoy life, have a family a future, but I see thats impossible. I always think of commiting suicide, but stop myself saying who will feed my parents, If I go they will stay in the streets, no one will care about them, and I calm myself down. But now its getting harder and harder. First what my mother is doing and saying and second, my girlfriend is coming back in a couple of weeks and I cant meet her nor see her not only of being gaunt for lack of food but also I cant go out with her for lack of money. I wouldnt want her to pay for me nor anything. And at the sametime i dont want to loose her and Im afraid if she knows of the situation Im in, she will just leave me and by that time, Im sure my life will come to a stop. So please if someone can give me advice on how to survive please do so cause for me right now, its game over for my life.
