I have just found myself in a horrible friendship triangle.
A friend of mine has just confessed to me that she has recently been involved on a couple of occassions, with our mutual friends boyfriend which she says she is 'in love' with. Unfortunately it's not quite a black and white situation. While he is in one country, his girlfriend has been in another country for the last year and their 3 year relationship is and always has been pretty messy. It's kind of an on again off again kind of thing. The two of the them can't get their act together. She (the girlfriend) has told me in confidence on some occassions that she loves him but other times that she thinks the relationship will never work, that he is not the right one for her and sometimes she is even looking for an excuse to break up with him. He possibly thinks the same, but they talk about the potential of travelling to a third country together, and he says he loves her, is addicted to her and talks about possibly marrying her. The problem for me is that since i now know that he has been with my other friend, i have found myself stuck in the middle. A part of me wants to be a support to my friend that is 'in love', as she is very upset and distressed by this whole situation, but i don't want any consequences from my knowledge. Fyi, she has actually also removed herself from the country, so this cheating isn't going to go on any longer for now at least. She has apologised to me for the situation she has put me in which i accept, but when i found out that she told the guy, that i knew about them, i became quite angry. This girl has a very bad track record for keeping confidentiality, and i did not want either of them unnecessarily slipping to our mutual friend (the girlfriend) that i knew about this as the fact that i held onto a secret could potentially jeopardise my friendship with her. I said a few harsh words to my 'in love' friend that i deeply regret, but she disagrees with my requests as she says she is not the sort of person that could lie to someone. She has become very offended and upset that i flew off the handle, doesn't want to live through the big drama that she foresees and so has consequently decided to remove herself from the whole friendship circle. I am very upset that i have lost her as a friend.
What i want to know is, was it unreasonable that i ask that if this ever comes out, that she doesn't volunteer the information to our mutual friend that i ever knew anything? And secondly would it be unreasonable of me to request that if asked, that she does actually deny? I know this 2nd one would be deceitful, and i'm not sure how i feel about it myself, but i don't think it's fair for me to be involved, and i don't want to unneccessarily be in a position where my friendship with out mutual friend is in jeopardy. Having said that, I don't know if i was over-reacting especially considering that I don't have much contact with this mutual friend at the moment anyway. We have had a difficult relationship ourselves over the last couple of years. It is a little rocky as it is, she is overseas, has made little effort to keep contact with me over this last year which is a habbit of hers with everyone, probably will never come home, and possibly could break up with her boyfriend soon anyway. But down the track anything could happen, our relationship might get better and they could even get married, it could go either way.
To add another one to the mix, a few months ago, the girlfriend actually confided in me that she has been seeing other men overseas anyhow. Of course i have kept this confidential. I'm not sure if this is a test for herself to see how she feels about her boyfriend.
Regarding loyalty. I was hoping i didn't have to chose sides. Do i? I'm actually not sure who to be loyal to in this instance. Is it based on who is the best friend of mine at the moment?, who is suffering and needs my support most?, or who is 'technically' right? Do i really need to chose a side? Neither of these people are of callice nature, and want to hurt the other. They have just managed to find themselves in sticky situations.
At the end of the day i don't want to be involved in any of their messy relationships. I just want to keep my friends but am not sure how to do this. And unsure what compromises are reasonable for me to accept.
I find myself wavering regarding how i feel on the matter. I am confused, and am upset and offended that my friend has removed herself from me. She says this was never the outcome she intended and has acknowledged that it is probably selfish of her to do so, but is doing so anyhow because otherwise she will be eaten up internally by doing what the rest of us want her to do. If i had to chose a friend, it would possibly be my 'in love' friend because i have had the strongest relationship with her over the last couple of years. I want to try and save our friendship however she has proven to be quite volitile and if she cannot see reason with anything i say, and doesn't want to save our friendship, then i'm not sure i want to be friends with someone that cuts themselves off when they get hurt and hit a rough patch.
It would be appreciated if you could give your thoughts or give me some questions that i could ask myself to help me define how i feel about this and how i could approach it. Sorry for the long winded question.
Thank you
