Depression and family issues/drama: advice needed.

Good morning and welcome to Yedda. I have been up all night and exhausted. I put your question on watch as it is long and I am tired. Your topic is depression and I can help with that so I will be back when I wake up. For now I will send it to some good contacts.

Hi arl0869. I'm trying to put myself in your place. Wow. You are in a complicated situation aren't you. I don't know how assertive you are, but I would barge right into my sisters lives and make myself completely unavoidable. Be a complete pest.. writing and calling every day. You need to make them realize that you want answers and you want them now.  I think they at least owe you that much, and you know it too.  I know that all this rejection is hard on you, and it doesn't make sense, but you have to trust God to give you strength to accept the things you cannot change, courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  There is a reason for all of this... and one day you will understand.

I hope you get a lot of helpful answers and support here. Take care.

Hello Arl, Around 15 years ago, my mothers sisters daughter was getting married. Due to serious health problems, my mom and dad were unable to make the trip from Florida to New Jersey for the wedding. They did send a letter of apology and a very generous cash wedding gift. At this point, my mothers sister stopped talking to her and never told her why. It took one of my mothers other sisters to tell her that her sister felt that it was unforgivable that my parents didn`t make the wedding. My mothers sister made it clear to the rest of the family that she wanted nothing to do with my mother anymore and that she would not even accept an apology. Apology?....for what? My parents did nothing wrong! This just goes to show you how a complete nut thinks. If you did nothing wrong, then you are in the same type of situation. My mom felt very bad over this for many years and she even felt guilty. I told her the same things that you have been told....you did nothing wrong...it`s their problem, not yours, etc. I know that you dont want that as an answer, but there is really nothing other than that to be said. You have tried your best to make contact with them with no results....what else could you be expected to do? Surely your sisters must have told your parents what the problem is....what do they have to say about it? I DO feel that your parents are wrong for supporting your sisters and excluding you from holidays, etc. They should tell your sisters that they are acting foolish....that Christmas is for families, and if they dont want to come because of this nonsence, then so be it! I`m sorry that I dont have a solution for you, but if you dont know the reason that your sisters are behaving this way, there is not much that you can do to make it right, not to mention that it`s very childish of your sisters to be behaving this way and not have the decency to even tell you why. Please dont be beating yourself up over this....it`s not worth it. Best wishes to you, and I hope that you can find some peace concerning this situation.

First of all, I would like to say, sorry for "their" loss because it seems like you are a sincere loving person.  However, it's obvious that, in their eyes, you've done something that they feel is unforgivable and only you guys know what it is.  But guess what...GOD forgives all.  The Bible says "Draw close to God and He will draw close to you."  My advice is to just let go and let God.  It seems that you've tried everything and nothing is working, so move over to the passengers seat and let God do the rest.  He knows your heart, He knows your pain, now let Him do the rest.  Say this affirmation over and over until you feel it and believe it and TRUST ME it works (I'm now over my depression because of it). The affirmation is:  I now claim the law of forgiveness, I forgive and I am forgiven.  And another one that works for me is "Thy will be done this day, for this is a day of completion. I give thanks for this perfect day, miracle shall follow miracle and wonders shall never cease."  Try this everyday and you will see.  Remember Let Go and Let God! 

Arl...dont feel as if nobody cares or that you are worthless....we know thats simply not so. I seen the same situation eat at my mother for years. Her sister recently passed away, and now it eats at her that maybe she should have done more to make things right with her sister. I tell her that she did nothing to feel guilty about. Dont let it eat at you for the rest of your life because it will if you let it. Be happy Arl, and if you ever need somebody to unload on, feel free to contact me....I care!

I am sorry you are going through such a terrible time.

But if your sisters are hell-bent on acting this way, there is little you can do about it. Unless and until your sisters are ready to act like adults and talk to you about the issue, you will have to learn to let it go and write them out of your life.

Here I will say that if you absolutely MUST get a letter to each sister, I think there's a way to do it via snail mail.

What you do is write each sister a letter and put it in an envelope; but don't address it. Then you mail the letter to a friend in another state; providing said friend with the mailing address of each sister on a separate piece of paper.

Your friend addresses and mails the letters for you, so your sisters WILL receive them and WILL open them because they will not recognize the handwriting and/or the postmark. They probably won't READ the letters, but they'll at least GET them.

Now, back to the problem at hand. Your best shot at addressing it is to speak to your parents. In my opinion, what your parents are doing is unconscionable!

Here's what I want you to do about it. When the next big holiday rolls around (one your sisters normally attend) I want you to calmly advise your parents that you plan to attend and it is up to your sisters to choose whether or not they will do likewise. Then do whatever you have to do to make that happen! (Be advised, it will be VERY difficult.)

In the meantime, you are going to have to work on your parents. As Asha suggested you do to your sisters, you should do everything in your power to make your parents understand what they have done.

If you live close by your parents, visit them as much as possible. If not, stay in contact with them as often as you can. Call and/or write every week. In the initial days of doing this, refer to your sisters and the family feud as little as possible (this is sneaky and it's not right, but they have not done right by you either; and it's now time to fight back).

Once your relationship with your parents has strengthened somewhat, begin alluding to the problem your sisters are causing. Keep it fairly general, but just insert the topic gradually into every few conversations and mention how much it hurts you and harms the rest of the family by association.

Eventually, you will have worked up to being able to talk about it in full. It is at that point that you may be able to prod your parents into admitting that they have turned the decision-making process over to your sisters and they've made a serious mistake. If they admit their mistake but still say they don't know what to do about it, tell them you have an idea and ask for their support - no questions asked, no involvement on their parts. If they agree (as I hope they will) then you just start showing up to the family functions and let your sisters deal with it.

I do want to caution you, however. Even if this should work, your sisters will most likely NOT be adult enough to treat you with the respect you deserve. (If they were, you wouldn't be in this boat to begin with.) You will find that you will still feel terrible. You may even wish you hadn't bothered. You will have to suck it up and keep going as well as keep your despair to yourself so your sisters won't know how much they've gotten to you (this will be the hardest part), because otherwise they will just ramp it up and make it intolerable in the hopes you'll depart and never come back.

Finally, there is an annual event called "Forgiveness Day" (www.forgivenessday.org). Each year, you can often find articles printed in the local newspaper about this day; perhaps forwarding this information to your family members will open the door a chink and let some sense seep into their brains.

I have no idea if what I've said offers any help or comfort to you, so let me just say how sorry I am that you are having to go through this. It is completely understandable that you feel depressed and I'm only surprised you haven't lost your temper and gone to beat the hell out of someone - I sure would have been tempted by now!

Good luck and take care, we're on your side.