Dealing with people - who knew it was this hard!!

Wow. Sounds tough.

I'm not really sure what to tell you. If yours was a 'relationship' question, it'd be a lot easier; the fact that it's more of a business relationship throws a few curves into the mix.

Okay, here's what I think.

If you don't already have a Contract together, then you need to make one.

I don't mean a contract regarding the rent, I mean a Contract regarding the labor, duties and expenses involved in sharing a house.

In this Contract, you need to address everything that's an issue: dirty dishes, cooking, cleaning the bathroom, using the telephone, sleepover guests ... whatever has been an issue or may become an issue is what must be spelled out.

So for example, your Contract might say that she will clean the bathroom at least once per week on every first and third weeks of the month; while you will do the same on every second and fourth weeks of the month.

It should also specify what the consequences are for not honoring the Contract (moving out? monetary fines?).

It must be made clear that the Contract (once made and signed by both of you) is non-negotiable and exists outside of any illness or circumstance (depression, break up with boyfriend, bad hair day, whatever).

This is so you both know the expectation is such that you will force yourself to honor the Contract no matter how you are feeling (that gets you over the 'I'm depressed so I can't...' attitude).

I don't know that making a Contract will help with the fight you're currently having (time will probably help that), but at least it might be a help for the future.

As far as the fight, I don't think you need to apologize although you could tell her your feelings and then let it go.

If you want to do that, I suggest you tell her something on the order of, "Look, I don't want to fight with you. It's clear that we don't agree about 'X' so I don't think we need to discuss it any longer. We're both still angry, so let's just leave it at that and agree to disagree."

Of course, that won't immediately get rid of the tension but it at least addresses the issue and might help clear the air somewhat. The rest will just take time.

I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help - good luck!

If you are both reasonable people it should pass. Living with anyone can be challenging at times. Unless you plan on changing your living arrangment take a step back and cool down before you do or say anything. Two depressed people in one house looking for support from each other has to be disappointing. Unless this relationship has been on a downward spiral, try and look at the qualities you like about her. Don't get stuck on "the apology", when we say we're sorry we are only accepting our own bad behavior. That's a good thing. Your only accepting your part in the argument. You sound like a very thoughtful person, don't get stuck on an argument that very well may have cleared the air for better things to come. Now go stand in front of the mirror and smile and say "what a nice person i am I think i'll stay that way"

I first want to say that obviously jk grandma has never dealt with depression and is one of those individuals that thinks you should just "get over it". While the contract idea is a very good one, if you write it up in the manner suggested you may as well ask her to leave now and save yourself the hassle of the arguments that will undoubtedly occur WHEN (notice I do not say "if") she breaks the contract. While she cannot expect you to do everything, maybe the household chores could be divided in a way that you can both handle. Obviously cooking isn't a dificulty for her, perhaps she could be responsable for cooking for BOTH of you and in return you might be willing to wash her dishes as well as your own. See where I'm going? While you have no obligation to be this kind to your roommate, if you simply say " you need to do this and that or your out" you are just prolonging the inevitable and making it more difficult for her to actually meet her responsabilities to you.

Secondly, your "experts" on depression should have told you that it is entirely impossible to give an acurate diagnosis on how severe someone's depression is without talking to that individual in person, sometimes more than once. It sounds to me as though there is MUCH more below the surface than you think. You need to decide for yourself what level of involvement or support you are willing to offer her, if any, and make that position clear to her in a calm manner.

Third, you have not been taken for a ride because of your kind and giving nature. Its happening because you choose to suffer in silence. If you have as much frustration built up as you say, perhaps it's because you were swallowing your own feelings to avoid hurting hers. That would explain why you snapped at her when it isn't normally your nature to do so. This is very unhealthy for you and will only worsen your own depression symptoms. I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better, but the reason she is being so hostile to you is because deep down she knows she is wrong, and she is not able to deal with the tremendous amount of guilt she is heaping on herself because of it. The anger she is projecting on you is actually anger that she feels towards herself for not being able to just "get over it". If I were you, in the event that you choose to work this out, I would make the first and most important stipulation of your contract be that she MUST get professional help. If she is unable to pay for it tell her to contact the United Way or her local Department of Jobs and family services, listed by county in your local phonebook. They will have info on local programs for free or low cost counseling and medications if need be.

You are a very good person for wanting to help her. You are right that everyone has their limits though and you need to consider your own health and well-being first. It does not make you a bad person to say " I want to help, but this is too much for me". Maybe this is all happening so that you will be able to identify your own limits, it sounds to me like you may sometimes give so much of yourself to others that you have nothing left for yourself, which will only add to your depression. Take care of YOU first so that you can continue to give of yourself which obviously makes you feel good, and it should. I sincerely hope things get better for you. much love, cat girl. 

Look, I've seen some of your answers and you give generally good responses.

But I do NOT appreciate your attitude towards me. You have NO IDEA what I have, or have not, experienced. As it happens, I have not personally experienced severe depression (though I have had what I term 'down days') but I DO have family members with depression which is severe enough to require medication.

In fact, I have a relative who was so depressed that she tried suicide. Is that familiar enough for you?

I would NEVER tell someone with clinical depression to just 'get over it,' nor would I expect them to do so without a doctor's help. (And you owe me an apology!)

I answered this question based on the information provided. While depression was one point of the problem, the BIGGER point seemed to be personalities and behavior.

Candyman made a point of saying that the other person tends to be "a selfish person and expects more than she is willing to give." Candyman also said that the other person "insinuated that we both had to fork out more money because of me."

This behavior is what I addressed, which is absent and outside of any clinical depression.

The behavior of one roommate which causes conflict and stress for the other can clearly be addressed by a written contract. A written contract means there is no fighting or discussion or finger pointing of blame necessary, because EVERYONE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IS EXPECTED.

SEVERE medical issues are NOT subject to a contract, and I am sure Candyman understands that. Obviously, if the other person was suffering from breast cancer and undergoing chemotherapy, Candyman would not expect her to do a majority of the work; it is undoubtedly the same with any other serious illness.

Since I am only responding to Candyman's side of the story, I am responding to Candyman's perceptions and basing my response upon the same.

Furthermore, the unwritten implication I gathered from Candyman is that this other person is savvy enough to use 'depression' as a reason for which she cannot complete her share of the work, even though her clinical depression may well have passed. 

I stand by my answer. A contract can simplify the personal conflict issues (and the not speaking to each other, which was the last result of their fight) and make sure that they are both on the same page and understand the expectations.

Period.

" It must be made clear that the contract...is non-negotiable and exists outside of any illness or circumstance (depression,break up w/ boyfriend,bad hairday whatever.)" You are contradicting yourself, and the glib remarks about bad hair days being equivalent to depression are not funny and they are not helping any one. You have offered some good suggestions, but I stand by my opinion. knowing people who have depression does NOT mean you have a good understanding of the subject yourself.

Be that as it may, one of the definitions of "depression" is as follows: "low spirits, gloominess, sadness."

By that very definition, "depression" of that sort is NOT the same as "clinical depression," which IS a valid medical condition that DOES require treatment.

I think almost everyone knows someone who has used "depression" as an excuse not to do something. And let's be clear, I mean "depression" as defined above, not the clinical type.

Those people use "depression" as a means to an end, especially if the end relieves them from the obligation to complete that which they prefer not to do.

It is too bad that you seem to have such strong experiences with true CLINICAL depression (either that of your own, or a loved one) that you cannot see through the scenario Candyman described to understand a potential humorous solution to the situation (as it was described).

Humor often relieves stress and tension; contracts can do the same, especially in this situation where it will take away the need to fight over whose job it is to do what, when.

Sorry you still don't get what I meant; but Candyman obviously did and that's what counts. 

the problem is you cannot know which kind of depression she has yet you are assuming you do. the only way SHE will even know is by seeing a professional. APPROPRIATE humor does relieve stress and tension. Humor that puts someone down or makes them feel bad does the exact oposite. I have already said the contract was a good idea, however the manner you suggested it be written in will simply not work on a clinically depressed person (if that is the case). I personally have never known anyone to claim to be depressed just to avoid responsability. In fact in my experience it is far more common for people to deny having depression when they do because they are afraid of people saying these exact things about them. I am speaking from my own personal experiences, as well as those of many others like me whom I have had the privelege of helping deal with their own depression. I am merely saying that if you wish to deal with the subject of depression, you should use a much gentler hand.